Disentangle the Triangle

June, 2005 - Rev. Kimi Riegel

Each year I preach on some aspect of church organizational health. Most often the sermon is based in family systems therapy work. A church or any other organization is a system much like a family. Congregational theorists have come to realize that within any given congregation the clergy “are simultaneously involved in three distinct families whose emotional forces interlock: the families within the congregation, the congregation [as a family], and our own families”. (1. ) These three form a triangle, more about those in a minute. For now, it's important to see that this triangle brings in more than ample opportunity for confused communication, transfer of old issues and general entanglement.

Family systems theory is used in individual and family counseling. It understands all people as part of many interacting systems that bring out various behaviors from each person’s repertoire. The guru in this work as it applies to congregations is Edwin Friedman. Again today I will be quoting from his work Generation to Generation, which I would highly recommend to anyone who is interested in the topic of family systems and congregations. One of my favorite quotes of his is, “we are all hard wired for more pathology than we will have an opportunity to express in this life time.” Thus with the three interacting families in any given church encounter and our own hard wiring there is a good chance that unresolved issues in one area will produce symptoms in the others. The good news however is that increased understanding of any one area creates more effective functioning in all three.

Friedman names five important concepts in understanding personal and congregational families. They are the idea of the identified patient, the concept of homeostasis (balance), differentiation of self, the extended family field, and emotional triangles. In the sermon “Are You My Mother” I talked about differentiation of self. Differentiation “means the capacity of a family member to define his or her own life goals and values apart from the surrounding togetherness pressures, to say ‘I’ when others are demanding ‘you’ and ‘we’. It includes the capacity to maintain a (relatively) non-anxious presence in the midst of anxious systems, to take maximum responsibility for one’s own destiny and emotional being. … Differentiation means the capacity to be an ‘I’ while remaining connected”(2. ) to the whole.

Today I’d like to talk about triangles another one of the constructs that are useful in understanding personal and congregational families. I will talk about the nature of triangles and how we can keep them healthy influences in our relationships. One of the great contributions to family systems therapy is Murray Bowen’s concept of triangles as the basic unit of human interaction. (3. ) Before that time therapists focused primarily on dyads as the major framework for human interaction. Dr. Bowen pointed out that when tension rises between two people a third is engaged to relieve the tension. This became known as the Theory of Triangulation. It is based on the understanding that a triangle is a more stable and solid form of interaction. In human interaction, a triangle, often allows us stabilize our conflicted relationships.

A triangle, as the name indicates, involves three. It can be three people or two people and an idea or situation. For instance a common triangle in families is a mother, father and child. But it could also be mother, child and the child’s habit of not doing their homework. In a church, besides the obvious one, minister, minister’s family and church families mentioned earlier, some familiar triangles are the budget, church members and the board or minister, church members and growth in the congregation. A triangle basic to all work systems is any position of responsibility you hold, someone you oversee and the person who oversees you.
Triangles happen when there is a higher level of anxiety and a lower level differentiation. Anxiety refers to the emotional tension in the system and differentiation, as I mentioned earlier, is the degree to which individuality is maintained. The more tension and the less individuality the more triangling there will be. (4. ) According to Friedman the “basic law of emotional triangles is that when any two parts of a system become uncomfortable with one another, they will ‘triangle’ or focus upon a third person, or issue as a way of stabilizing there own relationship with one another.”(5. ) A two-person relationship will be stable as long as it is calm. When anxiety increases the presence of a third person or issue can decrease anxiety by spreading it out over three relationships. This makes it less likely that any one relationship will overheat. ( 6.)

Triangles in and of themselves aren’t good or bad – they are simply a way that interaction takes place. They help us set emotional distances from others. They stabilize our relationships and allow for varying degrees of intimacy. (7. ) For instance we don’t engage directly with the bank teller each month but instead triangulate to the weather.

Triangles can be either functional or dysfunctional. The triangles of couple’s therapy, the therapist, and the two partners, for instance, can be very helpful in providing solutions to conflict. The triangle common in alcoholic families, the alcoholic, his or her drinking and anyone who tries to encourage them to stop can be very confusing and frustrating.

Generally triangles serve two purposes:
1. Absorbing anxiety and
2. Covering over basic differences and conflicts in an emotional system. The problem is that while they reduce anxiety they can keep issues fuzzy and confusing. (8. ) An example might be helpful here. Lets say there is a church that has a new associate minister and new music director with a long established senior minister. Maybe the music director doesn’t like the way the senior minister puts services together. And the senior minister doesn’t like the way the music director “interferes” in the work he sees as his territory. As each of their anxiety level increases they become less able to communicate with each other and begin to look for people who will support them. They both have conversations with the associate minister trying to get him on their side. The music director complains about the ministers to the choir members as well. This is just the kind of issue that many folks in the congregation can get pulled into with many interlocking triangles as people take sides. As the triangling develops the conflict between the minister and music director may be lessened but in time it could spread and become much larger and confused.

No matter their reason for being or their function or dysfunction Friedman sights seven laws of emotional triangles. Once we understand these principles then we can help the inevitable triangles of our lives stay functional. However seven principles is a lot of information for one sermon. They used to tell us in seminary never have more than three points in a sermon because folks don’t want to work that hard on Sunday. So I would distill Friedman’s seven down to Kimi’s three:

1. Triangles like to stay balanced just the way they are. In other words there is resistance to change in any triangle. Attempts by one side to change the other two are usually ineffective and often have an opposite effect.
2. Triangles interlock and the most potent of those involve families of origin. This is particularly true for clergy, as unresolved family of origin issues are often played out in a congregation. A change in any of these primary, family of origin, triangles will have a great effect on the whole system. And
3. The only part of a triangle I can affect is the part I am in. Thus the way to bring about change in a triangle is to have a well-defined relationship with the other two pieces of the triangle.

Armed with those three understandings; triangles like to stay balanced, they interlock often with family of origin triangles and we can only change the part of the triangle we are in and remembering that triangles are essential parts of anxiety we can begin to tackle the inevitable triangles of life.
First and foremost of course is to recognize a triangle and our place in it when it’s happening. Hopefully with some insight we can at least stay a positive instrument in the triangle rather than a negative one.

Secondly, it is important to stay connected to each part of the triangle without taking sides or asking someone else to take sides. That’s the part about only having a real affect on our part of the picture.

Third if we can reduce the anxiety, make the environment safer, than there will be less need for triangles.(9.) To the extent we can maintain a non-anxious presence in a triangle such a stance has the chance of lowering the overall anxiety. Of course the trick is to stay non-anxious and present. Any one can keep his or her anxiety down by distancing but that usually preserves the triangle. (10.)

If you understand your position in a triangle, it may be possible to bring it to a positive conclusion. (11. ) Another example might be helpful. One of the most powerful triangles around here for me is; past ministers, the congregation and me. I could be called on by past ministers to validate their experience of this congregation or by the congregation to validate their (your) experience of the past ministries. It’s helpful to remember Kimi’s three at this point.

1. The triangle between the past ministers, the congregation and me is kept in balance by my presence. Any change I make in relation to the others in the triangle will change the triangle, but it will stay in balance.

2. I can recognize the family of origin stuff that might be involved and know I will have no way of affecting that. The most I can do with family of origin stuff is encourage everyone to have strong, clearly defined family relationships.

But 3. perhaps most importantly I need to remember I can’t change the relationship between past ministries and this congregation because that relationship doesn’t involve me.

Those are the characteristics of that triangle; from there I create the action. I stay connected to each part of the triangle and do not take sides; listening is key. I encourage direct communication. Then my job is to recognize that triangles come from anxiety and try to help each part of the triangle, including myself, feel less anxious. The goal becomes one of reducing anxiety and creating less harm as triangles have the potential for creating greater harm. That’s a church example.

Of course these theories were created for family therapy and are equally applicable at home. One classic triangle is the teen daughter, mom and dad.
The conflict is typically between the teen daughter and mom and dad gets triangulated. Kimi’s three help here, too.

1. The triangle between dad, mom and daughter is kept in balance by keeping one person on the outs. Each time dad gets brought into the picture by mom or daughter a triangle is created.

2. There are other interlocking triangles involved like mom, her adolescence and family of origin, and daughter, her friends and their families of origin. Dad will be wise to remember that the families of origin ones are the most powerful.

But 3. and most important dad can only change the relationship between he and his daughter and he and his wife, he cannot directly change the relationship between his wife and daughter.

His job then is to recognize that, stay connected to each of the other two without taking sides and do what he can to reduce the anxiety they each have.
It is important to mention here that family secrets play a large part in the triangulation processes in many families and congregations. When there is a secret a triangle is instantly created of those who know, those who don’t and the secret. Secrets cause false connections between those who are in on the secret. They distort interactions as people try to figure out who knows what and how the hidden information can be kept hidden. Secrets raise the anxiety in a system thus making it prime breeding ground for more triangles. “[Friedman suggests that] the clergy are constantly triangled by various clandestine messages that parishioners report to them about one another, or about other ministers. But to the extent that messages about the minister are reported back and forth between ‘family members’ in secret, then such secrets will promote pockets of pseudomutuality and unnecessary estrangements throughout the emotional system of the entire congregational family.”(12.) Triangles then become a symptom of secrets. Secrets are powerful and negative in part because of their potential to create and perpetuate dysfunctional triangles.

Triangles are a part of life and whether it’s at home, in church or at the office it is up to each of us to be aware them and help them to create less harm. In our families, at work and at church we need to be on the look out for secrets and anxiety that foster an environment for triangles. When we find ourselves in a triangle we need to remember to have authentic honest connections to each part of the triangle to help reduce its harmful affects. But perhaps most important for any community or family, we each need to practice direct communication to reduce anxiety and encourage functional triangles that will help build the strongest connections possible. May it be so.

 

1. Edwin H. Friedman Generation to Generation p.1
2. Ibid p.27
3. “Triangles: A Study in Three Parts” http://www.socialworksearch.com/reasearch/reaserachjs4.shtml p. 1
4. Ibid p.1
5. Friedman p. 35
6. “When Three’s a Crowd: Relationship Triangles”, Jackie Barretson, www.alaskawellness.com/nove-dec99/realtion.htm p.2
7. “Triangle Game: New Angles on Family Communication in Recovery”, Sandra Inskeep-Fox, Do It Now Foundation, www.doitnow.org
8. Ronald Richardson, Creating a Healthier Church, p.116
9. Richardson p.129
10. Friedman p. 36-39
11. Garretson p. 2
12. Ibid p. 52 - 3