"Boys Will Be
Girls Will Be Boys"
by Rev. Kimi Riegel
May 23, 2004
Reading:
Our reading is one of real questions asked by real people of others who don’t
fit "gender norms.” Some of these are questions you might want to ask.
Some are questions we could have asked ourselves. But all of them are questions
that at times may be hurtful.
Kimi: Are you a boy or a girl?
Cynthia: Are those the only 2 options?
Shawn: Women are treated badly, why would you want to be one?
Kimi: I just can't get used to calling you "she."
Shawn: Maybe you're just homophobic.
Cynthia: Maybe you're just transphobic.
Kimi: Your voice doesn't sound very feminine.
Shawn: Does this mean you're Gay?
Cynthia: Maybe.
Kimi: Why can't you just be a soft man?
Shawn: You still look male to me.
Cynthia: Looks can be deceiving.
Kimi: You're so exotic.
Cynthia: I don't mean to be.
Shawn: May I take your photograph?
Kimi: I like butch women.
Shawn: You're the best of both worlds.
Cynthia: Which worlds?
Kimi: This is womyn-only space!
Cynthia: I belong here too.
Kimi: Do you have what it takes to be a real woman?
Shawn: Sorry, but I don't like women.
Shawn: You're not a woman.
Cynthia: I'm not a man.
Kimi: I can't be with you, I'm not a lesbian.
Cynthia: That makes two of us.
Shawn: You must be some kind of freak.
Kimi: You don't belong here.
Cynthia: Where do I belong?
Sermon:
“Boys will be Girls will be Boys”
What does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to be a woman? Really think for
a moment. What is it that makes you a man? What is it that makes you a woman? Is
it your name? The clothes you wear? Is it what is under the clothes? Maybe
it’s your hormones or your chromosomes? What is it that makes you a man? What
is it that makes you a woman?
We are a welcoming congregation. That means we are conscientious about
recognizing and valuing lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons. But
when we say transgender who are we talking about? What does it mean to be
transgender?
Probably the best place to start is with some basic definitions. A transgender
person is someone whose gender expression is at least sometimes different from
what other people in the same culture might expect. Our UUA Office of Bisexual,
Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Concerns describes the word transgender as an
umbrella word, used to describe transsexuals, who believe they are of a
different gender than they were born or assigned by culture, and may have sexual
reassignment surgery, or not; transvestites or cross-dressers people who where
the clothing assigned to those of the “opposite gender”; intersexuals what
might have been called hermaphrodite, whose gender is biologically ambiguous
from birth; and people called third gender or two-spirit who don’t accept
society’s sense that there are just women and men.
But more important than labels and categories are people. What is called
“gender variation” is more common than most people might suspect, because
many people hide their true nature out of fear for their safety and security.
Most of us think of gender as just two: male and female. But gender is not a
simple case of either/or. Countless signals from articles of clothing, to
cosmetics, hairstyles, conversational styles, body language and much more
exhibit gender. Like so many other parts of the web of life gender is a
continuum. We are all a bit of this and some of that based on how we feel
inside. Even saying a bit of this and that is to draw on the false understanding
that there are two distinct genders. To even discuss this opens the door to the
questions what is male and what is female.
Feminism brought us these questions in terms of our roles in the culture and
transgender people bring us this question on all levels. Feminism has affected
our behavior as we make fewer assumptions about what men and women do, our
roles. Transgender liberation breaks apart these same boxes in a continuing way.
This should not be confused with sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is the
sex to which one is attracted as a mate. That includes heterosexuals, gays,
lesbians and bisexuals. One’s gender identification as either a male or a
female, some combination or neither, and is separate from one’s sexual
orientation. And both sexual orientation and gender identification are separate
from one’s biological make up. There are basically three tracks: to whom one
is attracted, who a doctor might define one as, and with whom one identifies.
Each of these is an independent identity, and each on continuum rather than
either/or polarities.
Unfortunately, like many in our culture who are different, the transgender
community suffers from severe victimization. Transgender people are much more
likely than others to commit suicide, to be murdered, to be denied medical help,
to be fired from their jobs, and to be assaulted on the streets. It is
particularly sad as we are coming to realize that no harm comes to the
individual, their families, or co-workers simply from a gender expression that
is outside the norm. Unfortunately harm does come from the fear of difference.
It is the same harm that is visited on folks by prejudice regarding one’s
gender, age, or race, or any other of the factors by which people are unfairly
discriminated against. We can help bring an end to the suffering with our
compassion, tolerance and understanding.
But more than no harm, tolerance and compassion there is the issue of freedom.
Freedom to identify ourselves in a way that fits with what’s on the inside. A
friend and colleague of mine is “two spirit.” He and I have spoken before on
these issues. Let me share a bit of his story. His name is Barb Greve.
“My decision to ask people to use masculine pronouns in reference to me comes
from a feeling of need. I need to be honest about my whole self and am not
willing to put part of me aside to make others feel comfortable. I do realize
this will and has challenged and scared a lot of people.
I choose to keep the name Barb because it holds great significance for me. I was
named "Barbara" because my adoptive mother had always wanted the name
for herself. The meaning used in our family is "stranger in a foreign
land." As an adoptee, I can't think of any name with a more appropriate
meaning. While I have tailored the original name to fit my personality, I still
consider it a precious gift from my parents.
Many people have asked me why I can't just identify as a butch woman since that
is what I am...really. What these people don't realize is that I don't
understand myself to be a woman. By telling me that I must be whatever they
perceive me to be, they are taking away my right to self-identify. How do they
know what I'm feeling on the inside, or how I see myself in the world?
Since kindergarten I've understood that I would grow up to be a guy. I didn't
spend a lot of time thinking about it or wondering how it would happen. I just
knew. But when I shared this image with the adults in my life I was told that I
was wrong - I couldn't grow up to be a guy, only boys could do that.
As I grew older I buried my understanding of my gender deep within myself. I had
learned that this was not something to be shared. I lived by the same code of
conduct society prescribes for boys and men (be as tough as you can be, never
share your feelings, be good at sports - you know the code). I didn't tell
people why I chose this code and I began to believe that my body and spirit were
at odds. I was afraid that they would never be able to be unified, and I plunged
into years of unhappiness.
I had a brief respite from this unhappiness when I hit puberty in junior high
and discovered I was attracted to girls. One day a classmate called me a lesbian
as an insult. Not knowing what the word meant, I rushed home to look it up in
the family dictionary. The definition read: "women who love women." I
figured this must be what I am since I had the same body as the girls in my
class and was attracted to girls. I must have just gotten confused somewhere
along the way.
I came out publicly as a lesbian in college. My friends encouraged me to join a
women-only group. They thought I would enjoy being in women-only space more than
I enjoyed hanging out with the guys. I tried very hard to find my place during
those college years. I surrounded myself with all types of women, many who were
working to redefine women's roles in the world. Yet, the more I hung out with
them, the less I felt I belonged. Other than our attraction to women, we had
very little in common. Once again I felt the unhappiness of not fitting in
because of my understanding of my gender.
A few years ago I learned some language that has helped me to explain my
understanding of my gender. And with this ability to explain my gender I have
gained a feeling of peace and the knowledge that my body and spirit are unified,
just not in the way society teaches us to understand gender.
This is what leads me to live as a transgender guy named Barb.
Individual stories, stories like
Barb’s, make it clear to me we need to continue our work. We are talking about
the mystery of human identity, and justice and fairness, and understanding and
the acceptance of difference. We are talking about being transgender, about
folks who are as different from the majority in certain ways, as we all are in
some others. And we are talking about people we know, even if we don’t know
that we are. We are talking about some of our neighbors, some of our family
members, people we know and love. We are talking about some of ourselves.
There have always been transgender people of almost every kind, except of course
for those who have made the change of sex enabled by modern surgery. And in some
societies, transgender people have been fully accepted, even held in especially
high regard, as in some Native American tribes. But more often, non-transgender
people have been far less accepting, and that is the case even in a country like
ours, devoted to the principle of freedom. Even some people who are liberal
about many another social issues, including homosexuality, report that it can be
hard to surrender the notion that there are men and there are women, and each
sex has its own appearances and behaviors.
No question about it, the subject can be difficult. I know for me, when I first
read the book Transgender Warriors by Leslie Feinberg, I struggled with many of
the stories and ideas. I grew up in a world where my awareness was of men and
women, where the first question one asks is what gender is the baby, where
bathrooms had one of each, and forms required one to check f or m. It took me a
while to realize that like other liberation movements, what’s called the
trans-liberation movement had a great deal to offer all of us. No longer am I,
or the people I love and care for, as limited in choosing an identity, but we
can be true to who we are. We can be honestly the persons we are, not bound by
either and or. I still struggle with pronouns and I know I have a long way to go
to rid myself of all the stereotypes and fear, but I can say it feels freeing to
be headed in this direction. I know I have enjoyed getting to know my
transgender colleagues, who challenge me while I learn to see them as ministers
just like me.
Contacts like that are probably how progress comes most easily. Books like
Transgender Warriors can help. But for most folks, the best way of overcoming
whatever resistance we may have is to get to know someone who is transgender. As
novel and challenging as the experience might be at the outset, typically any
issues one might have about another person’s gender expression tend just to
evaporate, as one comes to see the person as a person, that person, different,
as we all are in ways, and alike in far more. What a wonderful, freeing thing
that can be. Wonderful, to get beyond the prejudice, or at least to make a good
start. Wonderful, to expand one’s ability to see and know and accept people as
they are, with pleasure. Wonderful, to overcome the inclination to box people
into neat categories, often just two. Wonderful to be more fully at one with the
mystery and the richness of the human family.